Most of us like to seize the dawning of a new year as a time for change—usually toward improvement of some sort. The proverbial New Year’s Resolution often prescribes loss of weight or better fitness (physically or economically), how to better use our time, greater appreciation of our jobs, family, God-given talents, etc. Something along those lines.

I’d wager that if the family pups were in charge, there would be new rules concerning the implementation and enforcement of the 2025 Fur Tax and Tummy Toll, two very important elements in the new year improvement push.

The Fur Tax works something like this: If the dog approaches a human, large or small, young or old, and that human has working fingers, it is obliged to pet, scratch or massage whatever body part has been presented. If both hands are available, both hands will be employed in this exercise, but in the case of only one hand being available, a one-handed application is acceptable. Unavailability of a hand is limited to injury (casts are only partially acceptable, as the fingertips remain free), amputation, or being used for income-generating pursuit. A healthy family income equates directly to the quality and quantity of high-end kibble and treats. In layman’s terms, pet the dog each and every time the opportunity arises.

The punishment for ignoring the Fur Tax mandate depends on the household dynamic. For instance, if the hand-possessing human is under the age of, say 4, therefore still learning the rules, he or she is exempt. However, instruction by the older humans in the household shall be forthcoming and thorough to prevent a repeat offense. All other family members and guests to the household (including the grounds), shall be in full compliance with the Fur Tax rules at all times. The purpose of the Fur Tax is to encourage (force) humans to step-up their game, which benefits canine and humans alike. Research shows that petting your dog releases feel-good endorphins for both. Need verification? Ask your dog—it’s a win/win.

A secondary rule, endorsed by dogs everywhere, is the implementation and enforcement of the 2025 Tummy Toll. The Tummy Toll has two definitions, both equally important. The first falls under the subset, Last Bites. The Last Bite rule is simple: A dog patiently waiting, which may include adopting a posture of sitting alarmingly close and displaying begging eyes, shall be rewarded with the last bite off everyone’s plate. The only exception to this rule (and I do stress ONLY) is if the food on the plate is bad for (or poisonous) to the dog. If the begging includes drooling, the puddles are to be ignored. Certain meals, which are known to be the dog’s favorites, shall be given special importance and the last bite rule may be expanded without delay to Multiple Bites. The Multiple Bite exception is encouraged and socially acceptable, especially to the dog’s circle.

The second rule to the Tummy Toll involves the attention given to the dog’s tummy when presented. This involves petting. Typically, the dog will make its needs known by rolling on its back, curling its front paws and laying its back legs flat. It may or may not make eye contact while the tummy is being presented. A sweep of the tail across the floor may or may not be present. Regardless, when the tummy is put forth in this way, the nearest human is compelled to give it attention in the form of gentle petting (the tummy being a very soft and sensitive part of the dog’s anatomy). If the dog presents its tummy in any spectacular way, such as sliding on its back and landing exactly in the reachable proximity of the nearest human’s hands, in addition to the required petting, cooing and general excitement is required. It is understood that the dog has demonstrated a kind of devotion to its body part and therefore should be rewarded with elevated attention. This form of Tummy Tax is very important to the dog’s wellbeing.

Failure to perform any type of the 2025 Tummy Tax, including any subsets, will result in punitive action. Punitive action on the part of the dog may include but is not limited to: the silent, cold-shoulder treatment, where the family dog pretends you do not exist, sitting at the offender’s feet and barking or whining in protest, or pooing on the carpet, especially in unexpected places that result in a squishy mess emergency. All forms of punishment are acceptable and condoned in accordance with the adopted rules.

I suppose we should be thankful that the dogs don’t employ solicitors to create legal documents and ordinances for behavior, or that they don’t rally and create unions, because we hapless humans would be completely outmatched. Let’s face it, dogs have more natural compassion, intelligence, faith and loyalty in the twitch of their tails than we do in all of humanity put together. Maybe we should be the ones to roll over and pay the Fur Tax and Tummy Toll and do it with a smile. We should do it for the love of dogs.

“The punishment for ignoring the Fur Tax mandate depends on the household dynamic.”