Wow. The end of 2020. Did you ever think we’d make it? And, while generally now is the time to sway to Auld Lang Syne and reflect on the nuggets of wisdom we’ve collected over these last 12 months, honestly, isn’t your brain a bit fried? Did we get wiser? Or is everyone just a little more woke now?
If there’s one thing we can say we’ve learned, it’s Thank God For The Internet. Could we have made it through without hearing Italian opera singers belting arias from their balconies? Without one million new cat videos now that their owners were home to film them? Without a multitude of episodes to all those series we had “always meant to watch?” Too many new apps over which to communicate with all of our loved ones? I mean, had you ever even considered a virtual happy hour before all this? The genius! You wear the sparkle shirt on top and sweatpants on the bottom!
Having spent the last several months encountering a new form of internet troll (like the harassing, stalking kind), I was all but ready to give up on this lifesaving tool. Except—to draw from the earth’s strangest adage—I didn’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. In the darkest of places during the darkest of times, surely there is still a modicum of light to be discovered.
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s true. I did find the light. For the first time in my life, this week, I gleaned Evergreen’s Nextdoor postings, uncovering some of the densest examples of divine wisdom and news to be found. Since it’s from the internet, it all must be true. Better yet, these nuggets are locally sourced! So brilliant is our mountain area collective!
First of all, thanks to the goodness of one particularly adept observer, the people of Evergreen Meadows are safe. A hero was quick to warn his neighbors about a South Evergreen squirrel sighting, including his belief that it was ill-tempered. “There was a dead doe nearby with heavy damage to the rear legs, neck and face,” he wrote on Nextdoor. “I have no evidence that leads me to believe that the doe was not, in fact, savagely murdered by the squirrel.” There was suspicion that the squirrel even had a secret lair full of skulls and a weapons cache. After divulging all of his information, our brave resident signed off with caution: “Beware and stay vigilant!” said he.
Next up, I found a full driving course available free of charge! Someone in Forest Hill, after a brief driving altercation with a neighbor, channeled her angry energy into a Nextdoor post. There was a full summary of the encounter, followed by a detailed lesson in the rules of the road. After that, we got a brief history of her mountain living experience, then circled back to the Colorado Driver’s Handbook (complete with links!) before offering up the moral of the story: When someone is rude to you, take to the internet to vent and 20 of your friends will tell you why you are right!
I weeded through a fair amount of lost pet notices and mountain lion warnings, which all seemed fair and helpful. I also scrolled, as quickly as I could, through a myriad of political posts, which was confusing to me because I thought we were done? Someone did suggest, at the very least, taking down all the signs, but now I know that such a suggestion does not conform with the general logic of Nextdoor! Does the AI takeover come in the form of internet comments mandating what we do in the physical realm?
There was a pretty major debate on whether or not we are living in the end of days. I’m not sure that these were actually reliable sources, so I won’t quote directly. But thankfully, in the midst of the debate, I did uncover something shocking, but profoundly useful: There are not real strawberries in strawberry Pop Tarts! (Unfortunately, I was unable to trace the actual connection between these two topics, except to note that this is an age of great deception.)
One of the things that most amazed me was how many users posted, on the internet, that they had lost power. It blew my mind! No electricity to speak of, yet there they were, communicating from devices. It reminded me that I have been meaning to address our own internet service, and lo and behold, I found more than enough information (or at least informal complaints) about why all mountain area internet is the worst! One less thing I have to check off before the end of the year!
My absolute favorite post, however, was the request for manure for garden beds, and the very many responses offering plenty! So, there you have it! Take to the internet if you want a load of sh*%!
Happy New Year everyone!